Tear

And so the tears begin to flow.
Wash away my sorrow.
Be witness to the love.
Testify of the glory
Purify our broken hearts
... Tell the beautiful story
Of love given
Of love received
Of love eternal.
Flow freely
Purge my soul.

True North

Sorry this is such a downer.  But it is a truthful look at where I am at today, in this moment. 

True North

By Julie Meyer-Weber

October 15, 2011

When I lose my way

I look to You, Lord

For You have set my course

When I disorient

Tossed and sinking in waves of regret

You are the way to solid ground

You are my True North

Where are you Lord?

I look to the heavens

The stars are shrouded by clouds

Clouds of confusion

Vapors of regret

A haze of pain and anger and doubt.

I know You are there

But I wander in distress

Where is my True North?

I just want a break.

A clearing in this darkness

How long O Lord?

Will it rain, rain rain?

Will the tempest ravage my soul?

When can I see You again?

Where, o where is my True North?

This is a post from a friend of mine, Scott Small.  I am posting here with his permission.  I personally am so encouraged by his life, his passion and his love for others.  I hope that you too will be blessed by what he has shared.  If you are reading this, Scott, love ya, bro!  Thanks for sharing so much of your beautiful self with this little place we call earth.

Scott Small

I posted this on my wall earlier and thought I'd share it here:
Kay and I have been through some heavy tribulations together; we've buried a son, Joshua Taylor Small. He would be 22 now. Kay almost died giving birth to Robbie. She lost over 80% of the blood in her body and had to have 14 units transfused. They came out and told me to call the family, because she was not going to make it, but I ran to the chapel at the hospital and started praying aloud so hard that people started praying right there with me.  Both her and him made it, but they told us Robbie would never recognize us, and that he would be in a vegetative state for life. Again we prayed hard. Robbie just got his 1st report card from high school it was 3 A's and 2 B's. I was nearly cut into and in a induced coma on life support for 72 days following a near fatal motorcycle crash. The doctors wanted to remove life support and let me die, telling Kay I was too injured to ever have any kind of life, and that I needed to be put out of my misery. But Kay did not give up hope. She and many others prayed relentlessly for weeks, and after 6 months hospitalized and years of therapy, I now feel back. Never ever give up. Have faith, and realize that the tribulations we all face in life can make us stronger individually and as a couple if we have faith. Although I wish our life had been different, I would not change a thing. All of our tribulations in life happen for a purpose, so keep the faith, always look for the silver linings and NEVER EVER GIVE UP!
Also, Scott wrote this, which I think fits in so well here.
Life i love you
with all your cruelty
with all your gentleness
on your terms
nothing guaranteed
everything invested
face to face
one on one
i will not hide
nor shall you
come what may
i will fight to stay with you
my unrequited lover.
by scott small

A poem by Mindy

I am yet a blank page
Snow crisp and young fallen
Waiting patiently for your penmanship
Waiting to cradle the imprint of your footsteps
All is calm
Write on me now
Leave your impression
Lest I should crumple
Lest I should melt
When all is lost
Take me and fold me
Cup your hands and hold me
Crease me into an envelope
Drink me into you
Let me enclose your smallest treasures
Let me quench your thirst

*A poem and a reminder that sometimes we have gone through so much that we come out the other side transformed. What we perceived as our purpose in life has been lost! But in truth, GOD has given us a gift in this transformation and we are given a greater purpose, put to a better use. We just have to trust that HE has a plan.

(This is a poem by Mindy Compton that she wrote for me.  She is a nut off the ol' nut tree; that is for sure.  I wanted to preserve it, so I put it on this blog and maybe it will encourage someone along the way.  It did me.)

Frostbite

I was thinking I would write a poem, but my brain is too fried from working too many third shifts along with my regular 40 hours on second.  That doesn't leave many creative juices flowing, but still this old tired brain does not shut off easily.  I was thinking about the act of numbing our emotions.  I was thinking of how this is a viable survival tool.  But if used too long, it begins to overflow into all areas of a life.  How I wish I could just section off parts of my heart and say, "This part, is reserved for __________ because, I just cannot afford the pain anymore."  And say, "Now this section is for _________ and _________ and _________ because I love them so much.  They are my light, my joy, my reason for living."  But I find that what really happens is that the heart just freezes.  The numbness creates a sort of frostbite through and through. 

 You know how when you are out too long on a winter day.  Your fingers, toes and nose at first hurt so badly.  Eventually though, you get used to the cold because you are in it long enough.  The extremities just go numb.  This is dangerous, because if taken to the extreme you could loose all or parts of those extremities.  But then you go inside, and begin to warm.  But that warming is painful!  The one thing you need the most hurts so deeply.

I believe that this has happened to me on numerous occasions.  I have been exposed to the pain for so long that I just get frostbite of the heart.  This has been happening lately, and frankly I hate it.  Then this week, a friend said something dear and sweet, and it hurt.  It threatened to warm the coldness.  And you know what I want to do...stay in that cold place. 

This is an area on which I need to work.  I must be careful not to isolate.  I must remind myself to feel...and even in the honesty of those feelings, even if they may hurt someone, I can survive. I need to thaw my frostbitten heart.  I need to accept the initial pain that will come as the numbness receeds.

Shattered Glass

Ok..I have a feeling this is not finished.  I am not satisfied with it yet, but I am going to put it out there, just because it has been awhile since I have written. 

Shattered Glass

By Julie Meyer-Weber

August 18, 2011

Shattered glass upon the pavement

Broken shards, cutting pain

Shattered glass upon my life

Crushed hues of many stains

Through the prisms shine Your Light

Reflect the edges many hues

Abandoned brokenness disgarded

Dancing colors of beauty true

Shine through the shattered

Or make me new

Make use of the battered life

Create what You will.

Sweep me up

Melt me with the fire

Purify my fragile heart

Strengthening the weakest parts

Use Your breath to create anew

Fill this vessel with Your Spirit

Make me useful once again.

Or crush me further

To mix the colors

Make life blend with new creation

I am willing

Be my fire

My life

My Breath

My artisan Creator.

Light in the Darkness

As I spent the last two nights working third shifts, I periodically went outside to look for the meteor shower that was supposed to be visible.  The sky was clear.  The moon was bright and full, but I only saw a brief possible meteor.  Still, I realized that it had been so long since I just sat under the stars, listened to the night sounds and gazed at the beautiful moon.  As nuts as it is working third shift in addition to my second shifts, I am grateful for a few moments to reflect, to breath, and to remember that regardless of what I am going through, where I have been, or how many arrows the enemy aims at me, I am fully loved by my Creator.  It also reminded me of a poem that I wrote years ago when a night much like this reminded me of how much He loves me.

God's Reflection

By Julia Meyer-Weber

A mist clings around the night;

The air is freshly kissed by rain.

All is pure and new again.

Swirling fog impairs my sight

The scents of grass and summer flower

Ride the mist and touch my mind.

Lingering memories from far behind,

Upon my mind seem to tower.

A break in the evening's shroud

Reveals a sky so dark and clear

With one celestial glow so near.

Not a solitary star is found.

I wonder at her finite grace,

One delicate sliver of light.

My heart is moved by the sight,

Such a tender face.

I know this evening belle.

Her reality is not so fine.

In truth, her heart is so like mine.

This I can honestly tell.

She is barren and dry,

Her face scarred and jagged,

Cliffs of dust and edges so ragged,

Pits as dark as deepest nigh.

But from this vantage here,

I see her grace.

A light that shines upon her face

Reveals her beauty so dear.

Could I be like that celestial being,

Dark and hardened, dusty and dry?

So jagged and rough I no longer cry,

Void of life, beauty fleeing?                                                                

If Your Light shines upon my face,

A lover will see beauty so tender.

He will move his heart to render.

He will see my delicate grace.

Reflecting Your Light in my eyes,

A lover will see a different view

A shimmer of hope and love anew

When Your radiance he surmises.

Dancing before the Throne

Conversation at the Throne

By Julie Meyer-Weber

August 6, 2011

“I am so weary, confused and weak.”

I know child, I have been watching.

“I struggle to make the right choices.  I do not know where to go, which path to take and even the paths clearly marked are not my desire.  I am sorry.”

I understand your struggle.  Remember that once gravity pulled me down.  I felt the labor of walking in oppression, in sorrow, of walking with the enemy around every turn.  Know that I go before you preparing a path for you, and I am behind you protecting you from the enemy’s pursuit.“

"I need you.  I just want to be with you.  I am not wishing to die.  Those days are over.  I am simply wishing to live.  I want to come home, Jesus.  But I do not understand your ways.”

You were not created to stay in this place.  You were created to love.  Your unbelief is a welcome mat.  I will enter.

As I go before you, and I protect behind you, I am also with you.  And where I am, is home.  Live in Me child, and I will give you rest.

Dancing in Darkness: Waiting for the Dance Moves

Dancing in Darkness: Waiting for the Dance Moves: "I find myself in this place in life where I am waiting. Waiting for God's provision. Waiting for people to change. Shoot! Waiting for me..."

Waiting for the Dance Moves

I find myself in this place in life where I am waiting.  Waiting for God's provision.  Waiting for people to change.  Shoot!  Waiting for me to change.  Waiting for hope.  Waiting for wisdom.  I want to run ahead of what God has for me.  But I know that he is running ahead of me preparing the way.  I am frightened and want some control in my life.  God, be my rock.  I will sit on that rock as I wait, and wait....and wait.  But I know that this is the place where I will find strength, faith and hope.  This is the place where waiting on the Lord will bring the freedom to soar on wings like eagles.

Isaiah 40:31  "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not be faint."

The Waiting Place

By Julie Meyer-Weber

August 5, 2011

The waiting place

A place where dusk kisses dawn

A place where hope arises with the sun

Where strength is born

Where on the other side

I will run and not grow weary

Where hope will soar on wings

Where I will find my voice to sing

To sing the song of the renewed

The song of the strong

The song of faith.

The waiting place

Where hope is born

And strength renewed

The training ground for the redeemed

The waiting place.

Loneliness

Loneliness

By Julie Meyer-Weber

August 2, 2011

When the crowd is pressing in

The space is so alone

When you walk by my side

I can still be a lonely soul

It is less to do with you

More to do with me

I am lonely to the core

Wanting to be free

Dancing Alone

I cannot explain this loneliness that has invaded my heart lately.  It is dark, unlike the darkness of depression.  It is quite frankly scaring the crap out of me.  It is an unrest.  A tempest about to rage. The suppression that is felt in the eye of the storm.  A calmness not of peace but of impending doom.  Putting words to these feelings will be a difficult mission, for I can barely identify all that I am feeling and experiencing.  Maybe if I were a man with no scruples, I would just go buy a 1970 refurbished Firebird and have an affair with a women 20 years younger than I.  Maybe this is midlife stuff.  Or maybe this is more.  I will do what I know is right.  I will pray.  I will read God's word.   I will serve Him with my whole heart.  I will remember that I love Him more than life...and that THIS life is not all there is! 

Dancing in Darkness: Empty Spaces

Dancing in Darkness: Empty Spaces: "Empty Spaces By Julie Meyer-Weber July 15, 2011 I ask again for you to fill these empty spaces Spaces haunted by my past By my fears By my o..."

Empty Spaces

Empty Spaces

By Julie Meyer-Weber

July 15, 2011

I ask again for you to fill these empty spaces

Spaces haunted by my past

By my fears

By my own vacant dreams

Yet I bar the windows

Lock the doors

Close the curtains to block the sun

Oh how lonely it is in the space of me

The atmosphere is stifling

The darkness is overwhelming

Claustrophobic air takes my breath away

Even my tears have found a barren place

In this numbing wasteland of self.

Dance Steps by Minialine

I cannot begin to express the blessing that it is to once again serve this wonderful child again.  Of course, we fell in love with her 5 years ago, and now our hearts will forever be sealed with that love.  She has taught me a thing or two about pain, about sorrow and about dancing through it all.  I would like to share some of those lessons with you. If you are just peeking into this blog, let me give a brief update on Minialine.  Minialine is a little girl from Haiti, who five years ago was burned on a little over 40% of her body.  She came to live with us on a medical visa.  Shriner's grafted and patched the poor little girl back together.  We tended to her wounds, stretched her joints and skin, wiped her tears  and allowed her to have our hearts.  Now she has returned as growth spurts have caused thick bands of skin that limit mobility.  She once again has received grafts and we offer her care again.

Lesson 1:  When you are homesick, be sure to cry. 
Sometimes she cries these silent tears.  I hear her whisper the names of those she loves in Haiti.  Sometimes I am so homesick both for my family in another state and for Heaven.  I often try to hide it with the clutter of living an overbooked life. Things have not been so good for me lately.  I do not like being here.  I want to go home, and I am not sure which I long for more.  But I have begun to cry.  I cry for those I miss.  I cry for those who have gone on ahead.  Then, like Minialine, it is time to find a hug from somebody present, smile and continue living.

Lesson 2:  When it hurts, call for help.
When we do her therapy or bandage changes, she is in immense pain.  She chants all the names of those she loves, including Jesus.  When did I think it wise to grit my teeth and bear it?  Why do I think I must walk it alone?  She is much wiser than I.

Lesson 3:  When someone hurts you, after you have endured the pain, forgive and love.
When we stretch her skin and joints, she often cries and screams.  Even bandage changes can be difficult.  Then after it is all said and done we must squeeze her sore body into a skin-tight burn garment to further cause agony.  But when it is all done, she smiles and gives me the biggest hug.  She tells me that she loves me.  This, more than anything, causes me to pause and wonder.  I hate the pain that I bring her, but with one hug she washes my wounds.  Where did she learn to be so strong?

Lesson 4:  When you are misunderstood, just keep talking.
We definitely have a language barrier.  She speaks Haitian Creole and I, English.  She makes me laugh, for even when I do not understand, she keeps on talking.  But guess what?  I am beginning to understand many of the words that she is saying.  She is also beginning to understand me.  Just keep talking...eventually it will happen. 

So those are the lessons that I have learned.  I am sure there are more, but I am tired.  It has been a long day working and also caring for Minialine.  I am sure that she has much more to teach me.

Transformation

Over the last several days I have had an unexplainable irritant hovering in my heart.  Not being able to truly place a name or cause, I have slowly begun to give it reasons, finding fault in life, others around me and even my poor beagles.  I am becoming a grump-butt.  Last night, I truly did not like this person that resides in this ample flesh. I went to bed.  Not much of a solution, but at least those around me are safe from the monster within this woman. 
As a woman I can use a variety of excuses.  I can no longer tag PMS, for those days have long gone.  I guess I could lean on mid-life moodiness, but I do not think that is a fair assessment.  Yes, the hot flashes come frequently.  The furnace of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo burns deep within this body, but like those three heros of old, I would choose to find the Son of God within it's flames.
This morning I decided to start my morning off with prayer and of course, God's wonderful brew...coffee.  (Thank you for that stuff, Lord!) He reminded me of something David our pastor said in his sermon. He was talking about Heaven, but leave it to God to have a different application for me.  He was reading from Revelations about the City of Heaven according to the visions that the Lord gave the apostle John.  The passage is Revelations 21:21 where John talks about the 12 gates to the city and that they were made of pearl.  David reminded us about the oyster.  He explained that the oyster gets an irritant stuck inside him that he just cannot shake loose.  In order to protect the animal, God has created the oyster with the ability to coat that irritating nuance with calcium, until finally the once irritant is a beautiful precious jewel...a pearl of great price.  The gateways to Heaven are made from the hardships of you and I.  I found that fascinating.  Whatever is bothering me, is nothing compared to what I have endured, but nonetheless, something is rubbing me raw.  Today I pray, "Lord, turn my nagging irritant into a precious pearl worthy of a gate that ushers me into your presence."  It will be a better day.

Lord, I don't feel like dancing.

I received news of a friend whose wife died.  My heart has broken in a million pieces.  My voice cries out to our Savior for Him to, well save my friend. This is a man of faith who has been my encourager.  He is a hero among Christians having been persecuted for his faith in Jesus.  I love him dearly.  My daughter encouraged me by saying, "He has scars on his body because of his faithfulness.  He now will have scars on his heart and it will be because of his faithfulness."  So, friend if you are reading this know that you are not alone in your struggle.  Your beautiful wife is alive.  She dances with Jesus.  She may have a longing in her heart to have her best friend, but she too will work in Heaven to bring strength and encouragement to you.  You do not have to be strong, for Jesus will be that for you.  You just have to be faithful and real.  In the darkest time, your greatest moments of faith will be these words:  "Jesus, help me in my unbelief."  He counts those words the greatest victory in His children.


Alive

By Julie-Meyer Weber 

River, when your water ceases to flow to the sea,

I will still be alive!

Mountains, when you have crumbled to dust,

I will still be alive!

Sun, when you have grown cold and dark,

I will still be alive!

Stars, when you have all fallen to the earth,

I will still be alive!

Moon, when you have lost your pull,

I will still be alive!

Long after this earth has gone,

I will still be alive,

Dancing, singing, serving and praising the Lamb.

The Lamb

Who gives me hope

Who conquered death

Who makes me ALIVE!

Dancing to a Different Beat

It has been so long since I have blogged.  My life has picked up speed.  One could say that the tempo to the beat has doubled time.  Let me explain.
First let me share a little history to this story.  Five years ago we took in our home a little Haitian girl with burns on nearly 1/2 her body.  The other half doctors used for donor skin to graft.  The poor little 2 year old was sore from head to toe.  Her bandage changes and therapy would take so long to accomplish that often Doug and I would tag team.  He would take one side and I would take the other.  She stayed in our home for 7 months.  God stretched our faith in ways we never thought imaginable. 
Today we have that same little girl back in our home, and God is still teaching us to rely on Him.  She is an incredible young girl.  We are so blessed to serve her. 
I sometimes wonder at the burden that it will be once again to let her go.  The sadness that will come will be a force to tackle.  But today the beat is fast and fun.  Today we dance with the Lord's dance of service.  I love you Lord.  I love this little child!  Life is fantastically challenging and wonderful.  I am in awe!

Practical Dance Steps (Updated)

My heart breaks for those suffering with this disorder.  I KNOW firsthand how debilitating this can be.  So I thought I might put together a little piece to recap some of the practical ways that I have dealt with my own disorder, in hopes that it may help someone.  I am no therapist, and as I will advise in this blog, therapists are great.  There are seasons where one just needs that professional help.  I know I did.  I would not be where I am without  a therapist, a fantastic preacher (who says he does not counsel, but my sessions with him were the best!), a psychologist, and most of all my best friend, Jesus who is intimately acquainted with sorrow. 

Symptoms of Depression

• Depressed mood most of the day; feeling sad or empty, tearful
• Significant loss of interest or pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable
• Significant weight loss (when not dieting) or weight gain; decrease or increase in appetite
• Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
• Agitation; or slowing down of thoughts and reduction of physical movements
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
• Poor concentration or having difficulty making decisions
• Thinking about death or suicide

  The case for medication

I hate medication.  I will always seek a more natural approach.  I am a staunch Netti pot user.  I love my herbal teas for all their healing properties.  Catnip makes the most calming tea...give some to your cat and you will laugh at its opposite effect.  So that being said, I will advocate that there is a time and a place for the natural options counterpart...chemicals.  Basically, if you have tried everything under the sun, but still find the symptoms of depression uncontrollable, it may be time for a drug.  I know that is not appealing to some.  Heck, it is not appealing to me.  I do know that short term, it is what got me over the worse depression of my life.  Prozac was what I was prescribed.  Prozac alone would have been useless.  But Prozac cleared my head enough to begin the work of intense healing.  WHILE on Prozac, I underwent therapy, disciplined my life, and learned skills to help me cope.  I could not have done it without it.  I was too far into that dark pit.  When suicide is the only viable option, it is time to take drastic measures.  That was where I was at.  As soon as I was able to cope, had learned some fantastic skills, and had a firm grip on the symptoms of this disorder so that I could be ready for the next time (and there is always a next time), I weaned off of the meds. 

Steps to Take

1. Go see your family doctor and get a complete blood work. Tell your doctor your symptoms and if you are adverse to taking medication, let him or her know.  You may have other problems that mask as depression that are easily fixed.  Along with my depression, I had thyroid disease.  My thyroid was completely inactive.  With thyroid hormone replacement, I at least had more energy.  It was a start. You may have a chemical imbalance.  You may have any number of problems that could be causing some or all of your symptoms. It is good to go armed with knowledge when fighting the enemy.  Knowledge is power.
2. Find someone to talk about your battle.  A therapist is highly recommended here especially if you suspect your depression has its roots in childhood experiences.  Some sorrows are locked so deeply within that it takes a professional to help you release those demons.  Also, if your childhood was one of abuse, poverty, violence, anger etc... than most likely the only thing your brain has known is the chemical imbalance of depression.  It is a slippery slope, and forever it will be the only track that train knows to ride.  Your job will be to recognize the start of the descent and know how to best stop your train.  Since I am a very spiritual person, I also spent time with my pastor.  He was wonderful.  He just let me ramble.  He says that he is not a counselor, but I beg to differ. He also would pray with me, sometimes when I could not or would not have the strength to pray for myself. Also find a friend you can trust...basically build an army. 
3. Vitamin D and B vitamins can help. 
4. Get outside.  Seriously the sunshine can make a huge difference.  If it is winter, you must find a way for your body to chemically react to that ultraviolet light.  I am not a proponent of tanning beds, but if you must, during the winter, go once a week.  It will be the best $5.00 you have spent. Besides, it is peaceful, especially if your life is categorized by chaos of children, high paced work or stress. Go, pray, soak up the light that God has created your body to need.
5. Keep an honest journal of your journey.  Write it all down.  I write creatively, but I have several journals that are full of my rambling.  Pour your soul out on paper.  It will be a great tool later to look at how you handled situations, both good and bad.  You might even be able to detect patterns.  Is my depression cyclical, is it circumstantial, is it consistent?
6. Exercise.  I know.  That takes discipline and energy, things you may not have during the darkest time of your depression.  Endorphins are reduced into the bloodstream when we exercise.  Endorphins are natural feel-good hormones. Do everything you can to put movement in your life.
7. Eat well.  Lower  your carb intake.  Up your veggie intake. Veggie based protein is best, or lean meat. 
8. Learn your triggers.  This is where journalling comes in handy. If you burst out in anger..write it down.  Write down the date, time, what proceeded the incident, what you did during the incident, and what you did afterwards.  Keep a record.  You may begin to see patterns develop.  Same with suicidal thoughts, uncontrollable crying...write your own behavior report.

These are what I have come up with after one cup of coffee this morning. If I think of more, I will update this.  Understand that this is work and war.  It is not easy.  Personally, I could not have begun the work without medication.  Medication did not dull me.  It did at first, but my body adjusted.  It was as if a fog lifted and I could see my situation a little more clearly.  I began therapy during my medication.  I would not recommend taking medication alone.  That would be like putting a band aid on a wound three inches deep. Pointless. And you and your therapist will know when it is time to wean.  I was on meds for three years, but I was in a very dark place.  I have not been on meds since.  I have come close, but by working and catching that train before it picked up downward speed, I was able find hope and ways to stop the blasted depression train.  My faith plays a huge role in this too.  When I am weak, He is strong.

If you are reading this blog, and you have comments, questions, or things that have helped you along in your journey, please take the time to comment.
 Much love, Julie

Update:
I understand that taking any of these steps can be monumental when you are chained down by tow of depression.  It is a killer pull, and I mean that literally.  May I make a suggestion?  Start that journal.  And if you write anything, at the end of the day write at least one thing that you did to combat the darkness...just one thing.  Go to sleep at night knowing that maybe you are still stuck, but you wiggled a little.  Last January, I began that proccess.  I found that one thing became two.  Two things became three.  And so on, untill habits became formed.  Circumstances did not get better, but I began to find my joy in living again. All without medication this time, although I was close to accepting the chemical fate.  I look back at those things and they are things such as:

• read my bible
• went for a walk
• served a friend
• wrote on my blog
• sometimes it was simply, "I am writing in this journal crying my eyes out, but hey, I am writing!"
• ate a healthy breakfast
• put on K-love and sang my heart out
• called a friend
• went to bible study with other ladies (I hardly knew these ladies, and now I love them dearly)
• shaved my legs (I know, silly but it was a step in the right direction, so I patted myself on the back.)

Those are just some things that I wrote, even when I wrote nothing else. But I could look over my days and say, "Lord, we have made progress.  I feel a little wiggle room.  We will start dancing in no time!  Thank you, Lord!"

Echoes in the Valley

Echoes in the Valley

By Julie Meyer-Weber

April 12, 2011

I have spoken your Name so often in this valley.

The echoing reverbs haunt my days.

My voice trembles with the landslides

Rolling, tumbling, fading

Disappearing into the night.

Fitful sleep and restless dreams

The dust of the landslide chokes

Leaving me longing for freshness

When can I breathe again, Lord?

When will the valley recede?

I dream briefly of green pastures,

Of butterflies, of warmth, of dancing.

Visions of plenty and sun slip through

Through the fits of rage, gasps for air

And restlessness of body and spirit.

Today I awoke to find the Sun

Dancing through the dust fairies

I felt a fragrant breeze carry the echo

Like the wings of a prayer, the echoing cries

Flew up and out.

Over the dark valley walls

Into blue skies, over green pastures

Touched down and tickled the still waters.

And reached the heart of God.

You are my God in plenty.

You are my God in need.

You are not diminished in either.

The echoes in the valley reach you

Just as surely as the praise on the mountain.

Hallelujah!  Praise the God who gives.

Hallelujah!  Praise the God who takes away.

Hallelujah!  Praise the God who hears my cry.

Dancing in the Valley

I haven't posted in awhile.  I have been back to work full time and it seems that life is crumbling all around me.  I must keep dancing and walking through this valley or I am afraid I will be crushed by the debri that is crashing down upon my life.  I wrote the other day, "The seeds of comfort are sown in the soils of adversity."  Comfort, comfort...Lord send me comfort.

Valley Walking by Julie Meyer-Weber

I don't much like walking in the valley.
It is treacherous.
There are rocks stubbing my toes.
And jagged cliff walls stabbing my back.

I don't much like valley-walking.
The hike is loathsome.
The air is stifling.
The way seems endless.

In valley-walking, the darkness oppresses.
The shadow of death hovers over
Pushing
Taunting
Blocking out the warmth of the Sun.

I don"t like valley-walking.
I have forgotten the mountains
I have lost sight of the flowers
This valley walking has become my daily trek.

I don't like valley-walking.
There is not running in the valley.
No rushing the pain
One must WALK through it.
Slow treads of torment
No easy exits.

Did I hear You?
Did you say, "Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death?"
Did you say I could do this without fear?
Are you really with me?

One foot in front of the other
Upon the valley terrain
Bravely, sadly, hopefully
For You are with me.
Still, I do not much like valley-walking.

April 29, 2009

David Crowder Band - SMS [Shine]

Amazing! Lord, help me shine!

Tunnel- Third Day (w/lyrics*)

A little encouragement for my friends who struggle to keep going forward.

Reality Dancing

Tuesday in my lady's group, we were reading from that Ecclesiastics passage that holds all those opposites.  The Beatles liked it so much they made a song out of it, but let us not forget that God wrote it first.  I know.  The Beatles are phenomenal, but God?  His fame goes beyond all. 

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

 ¹ There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:
 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

As I contemplate this passage, I feel comforted in the idea that God has created us to be real in our emotions.  As a child of abuse, I learned a lifestyle of suppressing emotion.  I learned to block out pain.  Pain equals sexual violation.  Pain equals beatings.  Pain equals harsh words and heartache.  While this is a viable mechanism of survival during times of extreme stress, it is not the way God has created us to live our daily lives.  This was one of the hardest things that I had to learn during therapy:  to come out of my numbness, to be real, to feel everything again.  Our heart is like a dimmer switch.  We think we can just turn off certain rooms, but the whole of the heart is on a dimmer switch.  To the extent we are dimming our feelings, the whole heart experiences the darkness.  When I first began this journey of healing, it hurt so badly.  The light is blinding, but oh, so beautiful. 

The Walls of the Castle

By Julie Meyer-Weber, 2010

The walls of the castle are strong

Brick by brick, erected to keep out the enemy’s blows. 

Bricks of fantasy.

Bricks of my own making.

Bricks strong enough to ignore the pain.

Strong enough to block the abuse.

Good bricks.

Bricks that allowed a semblance of sanity.

This was the fortress of my own making.

There is a new King in residence.

The King of Self has been denied

There is a new King in habitation

He says the castle walls must be destroyed.

His love will be my fortress

His praise will be my shield.

No walls?

No bricks?

How can this be?

But tear by tear the walls are crumbling.

With each crumbling debris, a ray of sun shines through.

There are songs from the breeze in the rustling leaves.

There is music from the birds gracing the skies.

But good King,

I am afraid still

The open air leaves me vulnerable.

Yes, child that is how it must be.

You were created to feel

To cry

To love

To laugh

And even to fear.

But most of all….

You were created to run to me.

Dancing Off-Beat

Syncopation
By Julie Meyer-Weber
March 7, 2011

There is a restlessness in my soul
A syncopated beat that is not quite right.
There is a stumbling in the dark
A groping on the walls of this pit.

I am unsure of these moments
I am fearful of the journey
I am restless in my thoughts
And clumsy with my footing.

My soul cries out.
Where are you, Lord?
Are You hiding in the cleft of my doubt?
Are You the voice that whispers in the dark?

I will yet praise You in this fog
I will worship You with my song
My timing may seem off
And the notes may fall flat

Your name is Majesty.
Your name is Almighty
Your name is Light
Your name is the Way.

Doing the "Git er done" Dance

 Well, friends, it is starting.  We are about to embark on exciting territory.  Our little Hatian girl is coming anytime now.  I am so excited to see what God will do, for I have already seen His hand in bringing her here.  For those of you who are just getting to know us, let me give you some background.

Several years ago a friend of mine told us about a medical mission that was needing a host home for a little girl who was badly burned.  I was sent the pictures, and my stomach rolled with the sight of a two year old precious girl burned on over 40% of her body.  My thought, "No way!  God, I do not think you are asking this of me or of us."  A couple of days went by, and the Spirit told me clearly that I should seek my husband's guidence on this.  I had not even told Doug about it up to this point.  I said, "Good idea, Spirit!"  I thought that nagging in my heart would be relieved, because of course, my husband a fairly new Christian would not even begin to consider such a committment.  We could barely pay our bills as it was!  So, I showed him the pictures and explained what was needed.  He did not even break stride.  He said, "Of course we can help her! God will take care of us."  What the heck?  So, I sat looking at those pictures of her burned body once again, and wouldn't you know that my stomach no longer rolled, but my heart broke.  Really, God?  Ok.  You are boss...I mean, for real, You are BOSS!

So yes, God provided every step of the way.  We saw Him do amazing things in both our lives and in the lives of Minialine, and even her family.  She was our first child to host.  We have hosted 2 others since.

Doug is unemployed.  We hardly make our rent payment, and have had to humbly ask for help many times.  But God is calling once again.  As I look over the times that we have served in this capacity, what I realize is that it is not about us.  It is about God's provision and also about how He partners others with us.  We did not take in host children, the church did!  Seriously, from clothing to babysitting, we have had the priviledge of sharing this experience with many of you.  Sometimes people will say, "This is a great thing that you and your husband do."  I reply, "It is a great thing that God does, and we could not even begin to do this without the support of His people."

So, I am throwing out a few needs.

•  a piece of plywood to go onto a twin bed to support the mattress
• twin sheets, especially fitted
• twin mattress cover, waterproof
• clothing, size to be determined when she arrives
• someone to partner with us on childcare when I am at work and Doug is at school (up to 3 x's a week)
• most importantly, prayers that we will have the strength to do what God is asking, and that we will trust in His provisions physically and spiritually

We are ready to do whatever God is asking!  I am so excited to see this little friend of mine again and to minister to her in whatever way that she is needing.  God, let it shine!

Dancing in the Sea

Sea of Desolation

By Julie Meyer-Weber, November 6, 2010

Swimming in the sea of desolation

Undercurrents, tugging, sucking, pulling me down into murky waters.

Swimming in the sea of desolation

Trying to understand what to pray.

Lord, you can see me through the slime and darkness of these waters.

You can recreate how I breathe.

I can live in these dark spaces fighting the pull of a downward destination

Or Lord you could pull me to the sun, the clouds the space where eagles soar.

I would prefer a victory of deliverance

I do not desire to make my abode in this murky sea.

Whether you recreate how I live

Or give me a victory of light

I will praise you for who you are

I will give you the song in the night.

Dancing Partners

Last night at nearly a quarter to 10 at night, I received a call from one of my dearest friends.  "I am here.  I am in town.  Want me to come pick you up?"  Well, no and yes.  No, because I must be at work by 7am the next morning and well, dang it!  Of course, I want you to come pick me up! And so we made guacamole, ate it and devoured jelly fruity candy until the wee hours in the morning.  Oh, and had a Smirnoff or two.  We laughed, we cried, we yelled our anger at the injustices of our lives, but most of all we savored the feeling of who we all are because of each other, in spite of each other and together we are something so beautiful it nearly takes my breath away!  I love my friends.

Doing the Praise Dance (no matter what!)

The electric bill is $500 dollars and about to be shut off, rent is behind, car insurance due...so I remember these words that I wrote years ago:

Darkness

Darkness

My sweet stumbling child,

You trip in the darkness.

Your journey is oppressive..

Each step, cumbersome in the effort.

Why, my dear, Why?

I shine a Light at your feet.

The winding path below you…

Illuminated by the blaze of my Word.

A Hobbling Child’s Response:

I need more Lord…

I stumble…

The way is treacherous..

I fall…

The course is steep…

I need a hand I can feel…

A shoulder I can touch.

Lead on Good Shepherd,

But help me to see.

Light Responds:

My child, I am here.

You are trembling,

So full of fear.

In distress you clinch your teeth.

In anger you form tight fists.

Your eyes are imprisoned

Behind a fearful heart.

Can you find the courage..

     enough to simply…

Open your eyes.

My sweet stumbling child

You trip in the darkness..

Your journey is oppressive

Each step, cumbersome in the effort.

Why my dear, why?

I shine a Light at your feet.

The winding path below you…

Illuminated by the blaze of My Word.

Open your eyes so you can see.

Written by, Julie Compton     June 6, 2000  Psalm 119:105, John 8:12-19

Slow Dancing

My "to-do" list is a mile long for this day off.  It will be the only day off that I will have for 10 days!  Welcome back to the workforce!  One of the annoying aspects of depression is the feeling of nothingness.  So today, I am going to slow dance with that  "to-do" list.  Instead of spending time on this blog, I shall just share a poem that I wrote.  I suppose slow dancing is better than no dancing.

Fragile Strength

By Julie Meyer-Weber

December 21, 2010

You say that I am strong

I will tell you the truth

My strength is fragile

Moment by moment, I chip away

I lose myself in the journey

I cry and tears erode my soul

This fragile strength

Makes me fall to my knees

No, I am not strong

Moment by moment,

My heart is breaking

Down on my knees.

Unlikely Dance Partners

Every morning these days, I have what I call the 5 o'clock hot flash.  It can be -1 outside which probably leaves it a toasty 54 degrees inside this old ramble shackle farm house, and still at 5am, I am throwing covers off and trying to untangle myself from a couple of furry friends whose sole intent at night is to keep me cozy and warm.  They do not get it.  I am dying from my internal furnace kicking into hellish heat, and they push up against me like I am in need of their pressure, their heat, their furry warmness.  Seriously, they move like they have been surgically attached to me.  I roll over, and all three of us roll as one.  This morning, I mumbled, "How annoying!"
Still, I must say, no matter how low life gets, they make me laugh every day.  They are silly.  They love without question.  And just as they feel it is their sole responsiblilty to stay glued to me during slumber, I am convinced that they feel an equal committment to bringing me joy and fits of giggles during my waking hours.  Pets are a balm for the hurting heart.

Check out the turkey daddy hunted!

It Comes Back

These past few days have been glorious!  Sunshine to the clinically depressed is one of the best medicines.  The weatherman tells us that freezing temps will return to our area tonight.  This saddens me, because truly, I feel so much better in warmth and sunshine. 
If you suffer with depression, understand this:  it will return.  It is not a matter of "if" but a matter of "when".  Early in my adult life I wanted a cure.  I thought that if I did life right, there would be no depression.  Besides, I am a Christian.  Isn't it somehow a sin to be depressed when the God of the Universe is your Daddy?  But life hit me with gale force winds, and I found that the band aid of "right living" would not heal the stinky pus that harbored just beneath the skin of my thinking. 
In my thirties, I began the journey of getting real help, seeking medical and mental guidance.  It was the best thing that I have ever done for myself and for my family.  And the most useful thing that I learned was that it will come back.  It is not a matter of curing, but a matter of coping.  Someday, there will be a time and place where every tear will be dried, every illness healed.  I look forward to that day when I dance with Jesus, who has counted every tear that I have cried.
Here is something that I wrote years ago:

Tears

I have counted

            Every tear

            Released from your heart.

See here

            With the eyes of your spirit.

See here

            This bottle of tears.

I have saved them.

            These are My precious treasures.

            I hold them close;

            I know each one.

Each tear I hold captive

            Has released you—

Released you to grow,

            To believe,

            To be.

As you suffer,

            You become.

I see Myself in you,

            The way you walk—

            In your smile.

I recognize Myself

            In your tone,

            In your precious eyes.

You are becoming

Like Me.

            I am blessed.

I love you, child.

Your tears are with me—

            Safe,

            Numbered,

            Known.

Written by,

Julie Compton  February 16, 2000

2 Corinthians4:16-18;  Psalms 56:8

Put on your dancing shoes, friends!