Out of the Valley

By Julia Meyer-Weber

May 23, 2012

I have lived so long in this desolate place

Sludging through the mire

Clay so thick it weighed me

Coconspirator with gravity

Sinking further into the dank dark mud

Although I have walked through this valley

I have known the Light.

Brightness that casts shadows in the wasteland

The devastation of  anger, of sadness, of abuse.

That Light is hope.

That Light helps me to find my footing.

That Light is Life!

Today, I see green pastures.

In the distance is a table set for me

Oh, the delicacies that I see, that I smell

A table set just for me.

I have waited so long

I have cried so many tears

But soon, my Love and I will dine

He will wash my tear stained cheeks

He will kiss my head

He will whisper words of healing, of hope

My excitement shows in my step

My eyes are filled with laughter

My companion, Fear is loosening his grip

I am bursting with love

Love for you, love for others, love for those who will never know.

I can barely contain myself

Rebirth to love, to live, to touch the face of God.

To Remember

I spent hours memorizing the landscape of you
Those scars that touch your face
The shape of your head
That little divit at the top
I realize that I also know the scars of your heart
The landscape of your soul
Where tears have run through the valleys of loss
And still the joy of you shines bright
Casting shadows across the walls of of your heart
Contrasting the pain of all you have known.

I am not without my own scars
And I am not without my own joy
You are a piece to my heart
Inserted there, I am fully complete

We are beatifully and completely one.

New Dance Steps

Lately I have been feeling this sense that I need to make some changes.  These changes I do believe will lead me away from Ohio.  Only God knows, but I am sensing this.  Yet it seems a difficult journey to make.  Not that Ohio is extraordinary in its locale.  Actually this area where I live is so depressing.  Economically we have been hit hard as the car industry's demise has trickled down to nearly every commercial enterprise.  Even in this area of human services which I am employed, Ohio workers are some of the lowest paid in the country.

I was contemplating why this seems so sad.  I have lived here for a little less than half my life.  But as I began thinking about the experiences that have filled this half of life, I realized it is here in this desolate place that I have learned to live.  The first 30 something years of my life were lived wishing to die.  In Ohio, I learned to wish to live, even when I felt I might not live through the pain.  This is huge.

It is also in Ohio that I made a conscious decision not to be lonely.  As I stepped out of my comfort zone, I found that I have a love affair with people.  I found out how to have friends who are as close as family.  I found that in other's eyes, I am loved and valued.  I have learned through their eyes to find a worth in myself that I never knew.  It is no easy task to even begin to think about leaving such treasures.

Finally, my children have lives here.  Yet they too have their journeys to travel.  I suppose all moms feel the way I do...that no mom could possibly love her kids as much...but we all do.  How could I leave them?  What if they need me?  How will I go weeks on end without seeing their sweet faces. 

So I pray.  I pray for wisdom.  I pray for strength.  I pray that God will run ahead of me and make my paths straight. I pray that I am strong enough to face what is ahead.  I do not feel strong enough, but feelings have never been a prerequisite to following God's direction.  He only ask that I trust in His plans and not lean on my own understanding and to realize that in my weakness, He is strong. 

I love the lessons learned in Ohio.  I love some very special people in Ohio.

Beauty

Some things make me cry.
Some things, by their beauty alone stir my soul.
The ocean dancing on the shore.
The mountains reaching toward the sky
The smell of a newborn baby
The sound of the infants cry.
The color of autumn leaves gracing the trees
The quiet of fallen snow
The trees laced with white or crystal ice
These make me cry.
These move my soul.

But there is another
Your love
Your love stirs my heart
Brings the tears
And fills my soul.
I am blessed
That Creator would bestow beauty
Purifying my soul
Gracing my mind
And filling my heart.

Dancing in the Wind

It has been so long since I have blogged.  Life has been a whirlwind of changes blowing me in all directions.  Instead of hunkering down in safety, I have been standing firm letting the gale force winds beat me.  I choose to feel the pain, see the effects first hand and be fully aware of the rebuilding that will need to take place when the calm comes, when the storm subsides.  I choose to feel.  I am not sure if that makes sense.  But for one who copes by numbing, this really is a huge step in my recovery.  So life, bring it on!

This morning as I let the dogs out, I was amazed at the wind.  Its sheer force nearly knocked me off the porch.  Not only was the wind strong, but it was bitter, stinging and I could feel that cold all the way through my bones. It is the kind of chill that causes one to find shelter, hurry back into the warmth of the house and pretend that the sunshine is reminiscent of spring days.  But inevitably there will be the necessity of venturing out into the elements, and the senses will be assaulted once again.

This morning as I let the dog out, I thought about this.  I stood there on my little stoop of a porch and just let that wind beat me.  I felt the sting of the snow as it blew in my face and onto my bare arms.  It hurt.  So often I run from pain, but this morning I let it sink into my skin until my very bones felt the chill.

Life is like that right now. It is full of changes in the pattern of it.  The forecast calls for pain and loneliness.  But mostly it will be just different from how it has been.  I choose to stand in the middle of it.  I choose to feel every pattern change.  I choose to dance in the wind.