Frostbite

I was thinking I would write a poem, but my brain is too fried from working too many third shifts along with my regular 40 hours on second.  That doesn't leave many creative juices flowing, but still this old tired brain does not shut off easily.  I was thinking about the act of numbing our emotions.  I was thinking of how this is a viable survival tool.  But if used too long, it begins to overflow into all areas of a life.  How I wish I could just section off parts of my heart and say, "This part, is reserved for __________ because, I just cannot afford the pain anymore."  And say, "Now this section is for _________ and _________ and _________ because I love them so much.  They are my light, my joy, my reason for living."  But I find that what really happens is that the heart just freezes.  The numbness creates a sort of frostbite through and through. 

 You know how when you are out too long on a winter day.  Your fingers, toes and nose at first hurt so badly.  Eventually though, you get used to the cold because you are in it long enough.  The extremities just go numb.  This is dangerous, because if taken to the extreme you could loose all or parts of those extremities.  But then you go inside, and begin to warm.  But that warming is painful!  The one thing you need the most hurts so deeply.

I believe that this has happened to me on numerous occasions.  I have been exposed to the pain for so long that I just get frostbite of the heart.  This has been happening lately, and frankly I hate it.  Then this week, a friend said something dear and sweet, and it hurt.  It threatened to warm the coldness.  And you know what I want to do...stay in that cold place. 

This is an area on which I need to work.  I must be careful not to isolate.  I must remind myself to feel...and even in the honesty of those feelings, even if they may hurt someone, I can survive. I need to thaw my frostbitten heart.  I need to accept the initial pain that will come as the numbness receeds.