Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Dancing Alone
I cannot explain this loneliness that has invaded my heart lately. It is dark, unlike the darkness of depression. It is quite frankly scaring the crap out of me. It is an unrest. A tempest about to rage. The suppression that is felt in the eye of the storm. A calmness not of peace but of impending doom. Putting words to these feelings will be a difficult mission, for I can barely identify all that I am feeling and experiencing. Maybe if I were a man with no scruples, I would just go buy a 1970 refurbished Firebird and have an affair with a women 20 years younger than I. Maybe this is midlife stuff. Or maybe this is more. I will do what I know is right. I will pray. I will read God's word. I will serve Him with my whole heart. I will remember that I love Him more than life...and that THIS life is not all there is!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Dancing in Darkness: Empty Spaces
Dancing in Darkness: Empty Spaces: "Empty Spaces By Julie Meyer-Weber July 15, 2011 I ask again for you to fill these empty spaces Spaces haunted by my past By my fears By my o..."
Empty Spaces
Empty Spaces
By Julie Meyer-Weber
July 15, 2011
I ask again for you to fill these empty spaces
Spaces haunted by my past
By my fears
By my own vacant dreams
Yet I bar the windows
Lock the doors
Close the curtains to block the sun
Oh how lonely it is in the space of me
The atmosphere is stifling
The darkness is overwhelming
Claustrophobic air takes my breath away
Even my tears have found a barren place
In this numbing wasteland of self.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Dance Steps by Minialine
I cannot begin to express the blessing that it is to once again serve this wonderful child again. Of course, we fell in love with her 5 years ago, and now our hearts will forever be sealed with that love. She has taught me a thing or two about pain, about sorrow and about dancing through it all. I would like to share some of those lessons with you. If you are just peeking into this blog, let me give a brief update on Minialine. Minialine is a little girl from Haiti, who five years ago was burned on a little over 40% of her body. She came to live with us on a medical visa. Shriner's grafted and patched the poor little girl back together. We tended to her wounds, stretched her joints and skin, wiped her tears and allowed her to have our hearts. Now she has returned as growth spurts have caused thick bands of skin that limit mobility. She once again has received grafts and we offer her care again.
Lesson 1: When you are homesick, be sure to cry.
Sometimes she cries these silent tears. I hear her whisper the names of those she loves in Haiti. Sometimes I am so homesick both for my family in another state and for Heaven. I often try to hide it with the clutter of living an overbooked life. Things have not been so good for me lately. I do not like being here. I want to go home, and I am not sure which I long for more. But I have begun to cry. I cry for those I miss. I cry for those who have gone on ahead. Then, like Minialine, it is time to find a hug from somebody present, smile and continue living.
Lesson 2: When it hurts, call for help.
When we do her therapy or bandage changes, she is in immense pain. She chants all the names of those she loves, including Jesus. When did I think it wise to grit my teeth and bear it? Why do I think I must walk it alone? She is much wiser than I.
Lesson 3: When someone hurts you, after you have endured the pain, forgive and love.
When we stretch her skin and joints, she often cries and screams. Even bandage changes can be difficult. Then after it is all said and done we must squeeze her sore body into a skin-tight burn garment to further cause agony. But when it is all done, she smiles and gives me the biggest hug. She tells me that she loves me. This, more than anything, causes me to pause and wonder. I hate the pain that I bring her, but with one hug she washes my wounds. Where did she learn to be so strong?
Lesson 4: When you are misunderstood, just keep talking.
We definitely have a language barrier. She speaks Haitian Creole and I, English. She makes me laugh, for even when I do not understand, she keeps on talking. But guess what? I am beginning to understand many of the words that she is saying. She is also beginning to understand me. Just keep talking...eventually it will happen.
So those are the lessons that I have learned. I am sure there are more, but I am tired. It has been a long day working and also caring for Minialine. I am sure that she has much more to teach me.
Lesson 1: When you are homesick, be sure to cry.
Sometimes she cries these silent tears. I hear her whisper the names of those she loves in Haiti. Sometimes I am so homesick both for my family in another state and for Heaven. I often try to hide it with the clutter of living an overbooked life. Things have not been so good for me lately. I do not like being here. I want to go home, and I am not sure which I long for more. But I have begun to cry. I cry for those I miss. I cry for those who have gone on ahead. Then, like Minialine, it is time to find a hug from somebody present, smile and continue living.
Lesson 2: When it hurts, call for help.
When we do her therapy or bandage changes, she is in immense pain. She chants all the names of those she loves, including Jesus. When did I think it wise to grit my teeth and bear it? Why do I think I must walk it alone? She is much wiser than I.
Lesson 3: When someone hurts you, after you have endured the pain, forgive and love.
When we stretch her skin and joints, she often cries and screams. Even bandage changes can be difficult. Then after it is all said and done we must squeeze her sore body into a skin-tight burn garment to further cause agony. But when it is all done, she smiles and gives me the biggest hug. She tells me that she loves me. This, more than anything, causes me to pause and wonder. I hate the pain that I bring her, but with one hug she washes my wounds. Where did she learn to be so strong?
Lesson 4: When you are misunderstood, just keep talking.
We definitely have a language barrier. She speaks Haitian Creole and I, English. She makes me laugh, for even when I do not understand, she keeps on talking. But guess what? I am beginning to understand many of the words that she is saying. She is also beginning to understand me. Just keep talking...eventually it will happen.
So those are the lessons that I have learned. I am sure there are more, but I am tired. It has been a long day working and also caring for Minialine. I am sure that she has much more to teach me.
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