Last night at nearly a quarter to 10 at night, I received a call from one of my dearest friends. "I am here. I am in town. Want me to come pick you up?" Well, no and yes. No, because I must be at work by 7am the next morning and well, dang it! Of course, I want you to come pick me up! And so we made guacamole, ate it and devoured jelly fruity candy until the wee hours in the morning. Oh, and had a Smirnoff or two. We laughed, we cried, we yelled our anger at the injustices of our lives, but most of all we savored the feeling of who we all are because of each other, in spite of each other and together we are something so beautiful it nearly takes my breath away! I love my friends.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Doing the Praise Dance (no matter what!)
The electric bill is $500 dollars and about to be shut off, rent is behind, car insurance due...so I remember these words that I wrote years ago:
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Darkness
Darkness
My sweet stumbling child,
You trip in the darkness.
Your journey is oppressive..
Each step, cumbersome in the effort.
Why, my dear, Why?
I shine a Light at your feet.
The winding path below you…
Illuminated by the blaze of my Word.
A Hobbling Child’s Response:
I need more Lord…
I stumble…
The way is treacherous..
I fall…
The course is steep…
I need a hand I can feel…
A shoulder I can touch.
Lead on Good Shepherd,
But help me to see.
Light Responds:
My child, I am here.
You are trembling,
So full of fear.
In distress you clinch your teeth.
In anger you form tight fists.
Your eyes are imprisoned
Behind a fearful heart.
Can you find the courage..
enough to simply…
Open your eyes.
My sweet stumbling child
You trip in the darkness..
Your journey is oppressive
Each step, cumbersome in the effort.
Why my dear, why?
I shine a Light at your feet.
The winding path below you…
Illuminated by the blaze of My Word.
Open your eyes so you can see.
Written by, Julie Compton June 6, 2000 Psalm 119:105, John 8:12-19
Monday, February 21, 2011
Slow Dancing
My "to-do" list is a mile long for this day off. It will be the only day off that I will have for 10 days! Welcome back to the workforce! One of the annoying aspects of depression is the feeling of nothingness. So today, I am going to slow dance with that "to-do" list. Instead of spending time on this blog, I shall just share a poem that I wrote. I suppose slow dancing is better than no dancing.
Fragile Strength
By Julie Meyer-Weber
December 21, 2010
You say that I am strong
I will tell you the truth
My strength is fragile
Moment by moment, I chip away
I lose myself in the journey
I cry and tears erode my soul
This fragile strength
Makes me fall to my knees
No, I am not strong
Moment by moment,
My heart is breaking
Down on my knees.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Unlikely Dance Partners
Every morning these days, I have what I call the 5 o'clock hot flash. It can be -1 outside which probably leaves it a toasty 54 degrees inside this old ramble shackle farm house, and still at 5am, I am throwing covers off and trying to untangle myself from a couple of furry friends whose sole intent at night is to keep me cozy and warm. They do not get it. I am dying from my internal furnace kicking into hellish heat, and they push up against me like I am in need of their pressure, their heat, their furry warmness. Seriously, they move like they have been surgically attached to me. I roll over, and all three of us roll as one. This morning, I mumbled, "How annoying!"
Still, I must say, no matter how low life gets, they make me laugh every day. They are silly. They love without question. And just as they feel it is their sole responsiblilty to stay glued to me during slumber, I am convinced that they feel an equal committment to bringing me joy and fits of giggles during my waking hours. Pets are a balm for the hurting heart.
Still, I must say, no matter how low life gets, they make me laugh every day. They are silly. They love without question. And just as they feel it is their sole responsiblilty to stay glued to me during slumber, I am convinced that they feel an equal committment to bringing me joy and fits of giggles during my waking hours. Pets are a balm for the hurting heart.
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| Check out the turkey daddy hunted! |
Friday, February 18, 2011
It Comes Back
These past few days have been glorious! Sunshine to the clinically depressed is one of the best medicines. The weatherman tells us that freezing temps will return to our area tonight. This saddens me, because truly, I feel so much better in warmth and sunshine.
If you suffer with depression, understand this: it will return. It is not a matter of "if" but a matter of "when". Early in my adult life I wanted a cure. I thought that if I did life right, there would be no depression. Besides, I am a Christian. Isn't it somehow a sin to be depressed when the God of the Universe is your Daddy? But life hit me with gale force winds, and I found that the band aid of "right living" would not heal the stinky pus that harbored just beneath the skin of my thinking.
In my thirties, I began the journey of getting real help, seeking medical and mental guidance. It was the best thing that I have ever done for myself and for my family. And the most useful thing that I learned was that it will come back. It is not a matter of curing, but a matter of coping. Someday, there will be a time and place where every tear will be dried, every illness healed. I look forward to that day when I dance with Jesus, who has counted every tear that I have cried.
Here is something that I wrote years ago:
Put on your dancing shoes, friends!
If you suffer with depression, understand this: it will return. It is not a matter of "if" but a matter of "when". Early in my adult life I wanted a cure. I thought that if I did life right, there would be no depression. Besides, I am a Christian. Isn't it somehow a sin to be depressed when the God of the Universe is your Daddy? But life hit me with gale force winds, and I found that the band aid of "right living" would not heal the stinky pus that harbored just beneath the skin of my thinking.
In my thirties, I began the journey of getting real help, seeking medical and mental guidance. It was the best thing that I have ever done for myself and for my family. And the most useful thing that I learned was that it will come back. It is not a matter of curing, but a matter of coping. Someday, there will be a time and place where every tear will be dried, every illness healed. I look forward to that day when I dance with Jesus, who has counted every tear that I have cried.
Here is something that I wrote years ago:
Tears
I have counted
Every tear
Released from your heart.
See here
With the eyes of your spirit.
See here
This bottle of tears.
I have saved them.
These are My precious treasures.
I hold them close;
I know each one.
Each tear I hold captive
Has released you—
Released you to grow,
To believe,
To be.
As you suffer,
You become.
I see Myself in you,
The way you walk—
In your smile.
I recognize Myself
In your tone,
In your precious eyes.
You are becoming
Like Me.
I am blessed.
I love you, child.
Your tears are with me—
Safe,
Numbered,
Known.
Written by,
Julie Compton February 16, 2000
2 Corinthians4:16-18; Psalms 56:8
Put on your dancing shoes, friends!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Swing Dancing
Yesterday was a glorious day! I think it hit 60. I did not realize how fantastic the day was. I donned my winter coat and gloves and headed for a walk to the post office to deliver a package to a couple of fantastic young men, my nephews on the Meyer side of my family. After delivering my package, I decided it was too lovely to return home and continued my walk. I walked for quite some time, shedding my coat and gloves. The sun was shining, the breeze was warm and the air smelled clean and fresh. I came to a park, empty of children since it was still the middle of a school day. I climbed on a swing, and went as high as my old, fat legs could pump this old fat lady! A dog in a yard neighboring the park began barking and barking at my antics. Finally he just sat and stared at me with his fuzzy head cocked to the side. Get used to it Fido! This feels wonderfully free! I flew on the swing until my tummy flipped, until my legs could no longer work, until I felt completely free and satisfied. No. There is not a growing up rule. Have fun, even when nobody is looking, well besides the curious canine.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The Will to Dance
My daughter commented on this blog on my Facebook . I want to share what she said. "One of my fondest memories of you is of that evening when I came out to the middle of nowhere to meet up with you and all our extended family (Missy, Edie, ect) to watch Denny play. You were dancing with all the children as the sun sank, laughing and singing as the band on stage praised God. Spinning in circles with your shoes kicked off and uninhibited. Just pure innocence and joy! I love you! "
As I look back on that night last summer, I am filled with awe and fond memories as well. The circumstances were bleak. Hubby was approaching two years unemployed. I was still working, but it wasn't enough. We lost our house and were in the middle of moving into a rental, a very tiny box. Moving is not cheap even when downsizing. There was a concert of various groups, all christian in nature. It was outside on a warm summer day. I was at such a low point, but then the music began to play. Yes, I danced. I do not know if it is my abandon, my silliness, or what but before I knew it, as often happens, I was surrounded by children! So, as I sit here remembering this wonderful evening, I think I will put on some music, continue to do laundry...and if you enter my home right now, you will find me dancing with abandon. Sometimes we just need to dance.
"Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13
As I look back on that night last summer, I am filled with awe and fond memories as well. The circumstances were bleak. Hubby was approaching two years unemployed. I was still working, but it wasn't enough. We lost our house and were in the middle of moving into a rental, a very tiny box. Moving is not cheap even when downsizing. There was a concert of various groups, all christian in nature. It was outside on a warm summer day. I was at such a low point, but then the music began to play. Yes, I danced. I do not know if it is my abandon, my silliness, or what but before I knew it, as often happens, I was surrounded by children! So, as I sit here remembering this wonderful evening, I think I will put on some music, continue to do laundry...and if you enter my home right now, you will find me dancing with abandon. Sometimes we just need to dance.
"Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Why this Blog
Ok, so this is my experiment. I am an adult with clinical depression and according to the professionals, I have probably been in this state for most of my life. This is highly likely given the nature of my childhood. So, blah, blah, blah...the point is how does one cope?
As I sit here in the middle of winter, I can feel the tendrils of that dark monster creeping in. I fight it. One way that I fight it is to write. This will be my therapy, and if someone happens to read it and is encouraged by my words, than that will be even more of a blessing. But mainly, I will be writing for me...a way to put down these experiences in a way that clears my head and helps me make sense of my craziness.
Today was a good day. I did two things to combat the darkness. I hung out with some wonderful ladies. Everything in me says to stay in, knit, read...anything but being with a group of people. I spent time with them...and I was real.
The other thing that I did, was I went for a walk. The sun was shining. It was cold, but compared to -1, 40 felt like a heat wave. I soaked in the rays.
Oh, I did two more things: I read my bible and prayed. I began a journey of writing down my thoughts.
I titled my blog, "Dancing in the Darkness" because to me, that is what it is like. Sometimes I have to learn a new dance. I definitely have two left feet when it comes to dancing. It has never been my forte. But I love to dance. I love to feel the music and just move with it. Life is like that too. I love life, but I am not always so good at it...I stumble along, fall on my face, get back up and begin again. One foot in front of the other, I will dance. Life IS worth living.
As I sit here in the middle of winter, I can feel the tendrils of that dark monster creeping in. I fight it. One way that I fight it is to write. This will be my therapy, and if someone happens to read it and is encouraged by my words, than that will be even more of a blessing. But mainly, I will be writing for me...a way to put down these experiences in a way that clears my head and helps me make sense of my craziness.
Today was a good day. I did two things to combat the darkness. I hung out with some wonderful ladies. Everything in me says to stay in, knit, read...anything but being with a group of people. I spent time with them...and I was real.
The other thing that I did, was I went for a walk. The sun was shining. It was cold, but compared to -1, 40 felt like a heat wave. I soaked in the rays.
Oh, I did two more things: I read my bible and prayed. I began a journey of writing down my thoughts.
I titled my blog, "Dancing in the Darkness" because to me, that is what it is like. Sometimes I have to learn a new dance. I definitely have two left feet when it comes to dancing. It has never been my forte. But I love to dance. I love to feel the music and just move with it. Life is like that too. I love life, but I am not always so good at it...I stumble along, fall on my face, get back up and begin again. One foot in front of the other, I will dance. Life IS worth living.
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